Me: ___________ Security, how can I help you?
Drunk employee trying to call off overnite shift: Hey, who....who's the supervisor in manufacturing tonight?
Me: Nobody, there's nobody in the plant tonight.
Slacker: Nobody? Well...then who's in charge up there?
Me: Nobody. There's nobody here but me and the geese and gophers, and I think the geese left a few hours ago.
Slacker: Oh, okay, then, can I talk to the supervisor in Finishing, then?
Me: No. There's no supervisor in at all.
Slacker: Hm. Then how about _(random employee)_?
Me: No. No, they aren't here. Nobody's here. Nobody but me.
Slacker: Ummmm...okay, then...who is there?
Me: Me.
Slacker: And....
Me: Me. That's it.
Slacker: But _another employee_ always works Sunday, I'm sure he's there.
Me: Is ___________ a groundhog, or maybe a bunny rabbit?
Slacker: No.
Me: Then I'm sure he's not here.
Slacker: Oh....well, can you page him anyway, just to be sure?
Me: (puts slacker on hold)
Five minutes later:
Me: __________ Security, how can I help you?
Slacker: I think we got disconnected, I was trying to reach ____________.
Me: No, we didn't get disconnected, I'm pretty sure they aren't here.
Slacker: Oh, okay then. Who is there again?
Me: Nobody. Nobody at all, literally, I'm sitting in a big empty plant. I'm actually naked right now, because hey, why not, it's not like anybody's going to bitch.
Slacker: Hey, I don't like you refusing to help me. Let me I talk to your boss!
Me: Nope. Not until tommorow morning, unless you call her cell phone.
Slacker: Can I have her cell number?
Me: Sorry, against company policy.
Slacker: Oh. Okay then, fine, can I just have the finishing supervisor?
Me: (Pause...) Sure, hold on one minute.
Put the call into voicemail, take the phone off the hook, and go for a walk...until the next shift shows up.
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